Cowgirl Up

Sometimes despite how you hurt you just need to pull up your chaps, strap on your gun, and get back in the saddle.
You never know when that horse can turn into a unicorn.

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Coeur Rage

“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.”
― Albert Camus

I saw this on a blog, Alexander, under his list of quotes from male philosophers. Please check him out.

It reminded me of when I worked with gang members and incarcerated violent offenders. ” I die for my vario, I die for my family!” I never heard one say I will live for. So I would challenge them and ask,” what are you willing to live for. It is easy to die, but to face something, to stand up and fight for what you truly believe in or love that takes courage.
As I define courage, Coeur rage, it takes the rage of the heart to live a life of integrity and truth, joy and wonder, so I ask you where does your heart rage? What do you have the Coeur rage to live for?

Courage

Coeur rage: The rage of the heart.  That is my definition although it is also said to be the ability to do something that frightens one. I think courage is also being brave enough to do nothing.. To be still and even walk away. To reach a point where one no longer cares in the way that they are invested in the outcome. To allow or to trust the wind, the universe will produce a result.  Today I found this photograph and quote.

Act of bravery

I just committed an act of bravery. For some they may scoff. I walked into the bathroom and heard a scuffling sound. I moved the shower curtain and checked the ivy plant nothing. Turning towards the sink looking downward:
Still as a statue was a small lizard.
First a bit of background. Yesterday as the electrician drilled a hole in the celling a small lizard fell onto his head. It continued on landing near his boot which he stomped chasing the lizard out a hole in the floor. Or so we thought. Perhaps he liked it and returned or never left. For what ever reason he stood frozen on my bathroom floor.
Frantically searching for a way to trap not hurt him I spied a tin of body butter. Shaking out the body butter hoping not to frighten him off i covered him with a lovely scented tin.
Now being free to move I found a strong paper, gently urging him onto the paper, still under the tin I carried him outside into the shade.
Placing et al carefully onto the ground lifting the lid I set him free. Catch and release. My act of bravery.

Long Last Flower

After long last having finally stocked up enough wood to burn for heat and getting the electric fixed I was able to sit down and begin drawing
Colored pencil rendering.

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Suicide Moth

photo-244I woke up this morning to find a gentle creature had committed suicide in a dish I was too lazy to wash last night and left to soak. It was senseless and I am sure not his choice. I feel some what responsible and will no longer leave water in a dish over night.

What it did bring to mind was another suicide. One done years ago by a man who fought addiction most of his life. We had a relationship which went the way those type go: in the steady direction of disaster. It began in love and blind, then desperate for his approval and told by all the counselors it was my fault, my responsibility as the normal one, to the break up stage and heart break, to hope and belief in the promises of being clean and never again. From there to anger and hope to anger again. Until the ultimate numbness and not caring, finally being over it. Two years later out of the blue he called as if nothing had happened, no time had passed. By this time it was too late, too much had happened and healing had actually occurred so I told him I did not wish to speak with him ever again. I did not know his body had been shutting down, he was losing control of functions, the drugs the dr. prescribed had voices talking to him. It was a few days later he put a gun into his mouth and ended his life. His best friend tried to blame me for not talking to him although they were living together and if anyone could see the signs it would have been him. I do not take responsibility for his death.

What I do is to feel grateful for those friends and family I love and who love me. With some relationships I have gotten to the numbing out point, tired of trying and hoping. To the others there is only joy, respect and love. As today is Thanksgiving, a holiday I do not really celebrate but the mood has overcome me and I am grateful for all the kind and wonderful people in my life.

Coeur Rage

Standing in the darkest of caves, I can not see my hand before my face. There is no breeze, no light, no movement nor sound. Sometimes I wonder if I am even breathing. I have turned and spun so many times I don’t know which direction to move in and fantasize that since it is all so confused perhaps I no longer stand on the earth but the ceiling or wall. The door has closed. It has been closed in earth time for over 17 months. I have heard all the sayings and “beautiful” platitudes, then came the judgements. How is it they can be so loud and powerful. Stumbling in one direction resulted in smashing my face against the rough rock wall or slipping into a quagmire with strong resolve continued to suck at me pulling me under and still no light, no air, no sound. I waited. Everyone says another door opens but it didn’t. Finally giving up my legs bend and I sit.

I feel the approach of death. My heart rhythm skips to an erratic beat. In a burst or resistance a sweet scented breeze blows past my face. At that moment the earth trembles and shakes as rocks fall and crack. The sound of cracking bones of antiquity. A moment of silence and within that fraction of time my heart revels the answer I so desperately longed for. Here lies wisdom. Here radiates action. Once the momentum begins it does not fade. I slip on the loose earth become snagged on sharp rocks and never know if the direction I clime is the right one but I climb.

One morning the air changes as a pink light covers me and the door is open. I closed it I opened it and all your judgements be damned. After decades I step out into my life, my way. This is not arrogance rather it is determination and freedom. Today I have the courage to live as me. Coeur rage the rage of the heart.

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