Standing in the darkest of caves, I can not see my hand before my face. There is no breeze, no light, no movement nor sound. Sometimes I wonder if I am even breathing. I have turned and spun so many times I don’t know which direction to move in and fantasize that since it is all so confused perhaps I no longer stand on the earth but the ceiling or wall. The door has closed. It has been closed in earth time for over 17 months. I have heard all the sayings and “beautiful” platitudes, then came the judgements. How is it they can be so loud and powerful. Stumbling in one direction resulted in smashing my face against the rough rock wall or slipping into a quagmire with strong resolve continued to suck at me pulling me under and still no light, no air, no sound. I waited. Everyone says another door opens but it didn’t. Finally giving up my legs bend and I sit.
I feel the approach of death. My heart rhythm skips to an erratic beat. In a burst or resistance a sweet scented breeze blows past my face. At that moment the earth trembles and shakes as rocks fall and crack. The sound of cracking bones of antiquity. A moment of silence and within that fraction of time my heart revels the answer I so desperately longed for. Here lies wisdom. Here radiates action. Once the momentum begins it does not fade. I slip on the loose earth become snagged on sharp rocks and never know if the direction I clime is the right one but I climb.
One morning the air changes as a pink light covers me and the door is open. I closed it I opened it and all your judgements be damned. After decades I step out into my life, my way. This is not arrogance rather it is determination and freedom. Today I have the courage to live as me. Coeur rage the rage of the heart.