Reflections

Dream all night of struggles, fighting, unfairness

wake up with the residue of frowns tension & anger

what is real?

What is not?

The mind believes both worlds real

and

the face reflects it

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No excuses

Does truth always win out in the end? I have heard that said so many times but…. I some how doubt it. For me to be and to walk my truth takes focus, takes effort and work.  It is not a battle easily won but a daily challenge. Sometimes I think about the people in recovery and how they live on slogans, “one day at a time, easy does it” and so forth. I do not live by slogans nor in my case would easy does it fit but I did once see a quote that I always think of and remember the words wrong but basically it is like this:

To change your life

start immediately

do it flamboyantly

No excuses

I have been lyingto myself

After making art for the past week each day’s work growing more frantic than the day before today I woke up at 4 am to begin work on 3 separate projects moving from one to the other I had an epiphany! I realized I have been living in fear and lying to myself.  I have listened to the world crying about the lack and the hard times and bought into it that I denied my soul and began working.  Working is to earn money and yes what I did I did and still do very well and even better than most but it is not who I am nor what my soul cries for me to do. I lied to myself for when I came back the agreement was to give myself 3 months to work on my art and re-write my novel.  All this I have put aside to earn money to pay rent.  Rent is important and needs to be paid but once I was very successful creating art and living off my art I am too old now to deny the screams of my spirit.  It is not about moving or anything else it is about being courageous, facing the fear, can my work be as good as it once was? Can it be better, bigger, bolder?  Not if I live life as a rabbit but if I place my powerful paws down and boldly walk out as a tiger (which is my birth sign) Yes, I can.

So here is to being authentic to walk in beauty as what I am! To life!

Jealousy

I believe jealousy is one of the strongest poisons. When jealousy enters the picture everyone loses. Most of all, the person who is jealous looses. So where does it come from? An individual feels someone has more or better then they do? Someone is doing something they themselves are afraid to do? Perhaps what another has looks so wonderful they can not see all the work that went into it before they arrived where they are at.

Most of us have to work for what we have, be it pretty sparkly bits or education and knowledge, financial gain, success and popularity, health and fitness and so forth.  None of it fell into our lap.  We paid our dues, set a goal and worked to achieve it.  It did not come over night.

My son was telling me about someone who after looking at the photographs said, “I am so jealous your work is so good.”  His response which after my initial surprise strikes me as exceptionally healthy one.  He told the person simply, “It sucks to be you.” Meaning it would suck to be foolish enough to be jealous of what another person does well.  Learn from them, ask questions, work hard at achieving what it is that you want but never tear the person down or spread false rumors and send the ” green eyed monster” in their direction.  One does not become better by taking from another or belittling another. If you are jealous then work harder or befriend the person and learn from them.

Jealousy is all about the other person feeling insecure or less than.  Anytime you compare yourself to another you usually come out as less than. Revel in another persons success, rejoice in their accomplishments and they will cheer you on in return. But squeezing the life out of something because you are holding on for dear life will not get you where you want to go.

Dream catching Totems

Some of things I have been working on.

Just shake it East to West

Just shake it! Shake it up baby! Shake, rattle & roll!

My phone was not hanging up so I text my technically savvy daughter who is also a math instructor and she told me to clean the screen and shake it east to west.  So that set my mind off. Do I stand in the east? Does my phone even have an east or west side? Would it change if I turned in another direction? If I hold my phone sideways would I be shaking it south to north and find it no longer speaks English.

Maybe because I have been a belly dancer since I was fourteen she wanted me to shake it, baby.  That wasn’t much more help because do I do a shimmy shake, a 3/4 shimmy, 4/4 walking or…? Do I actually do the shaking or is there an app for that?

I am really hoping the cleaning the screen works because I have given myself a headache worrying about how to shake my phone and didn’t they tell us never to shake electronic equipment? Is an i-phone even electronic?  I turned on the phone to the compass but every time I move the direction changes.  This is not looking solvable.

I think I will focus on something easier like why do we spell worrying with both a y and i when other words drop the y? Or where do the letters go that we delete. Is cyberspace full of deleted letters moving east to west?  Hey, that’s it I just solved the problem. By shaking the phone east to west I can catch the deleted letters that float in cyberspace and it will get lodged in my phone so that the next time I press end the call ends.

THE END

Loyalty

One would not think of loyalty as a bad thing but I think for me too much loyalty is not a good thing.  I am too loyal. If you are my friend or I care about you I have your back 100%+ and I discovered that is not good.  I am too loyal.  People need someone to have their back but they also must stand up alone. It deprives people of experiencing the ability to fight, win or lose their own battles to be a single point alone and strong.

To me I want someone in my life who is loyal and who I know will always have my back but I want to stand up for myself.  So loyalty is very important to me.  A person’s word and their integrity are all linked together with loyalty.  I am still in the process of discovery about this so I hope this post makes sense.  It is also not directed at anyone so please if you read this do not take it personally as it is only directed towards me, myself and I.  I am very interested in hearing your thoughts and feelings about loyalty so please share. Maybe being to loyal to others is not being loyal to myself.  The question I should ask myself is

“What am I willing to live for?” “What am I loyal to in myself?”

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